Theres only so much you can actually take in life. So much bitchyness. So much stress. So much sadness. So much love. So much Lonleynesseven so much alcohol. I look to my left, and theres my mum, packing my life away. Packing OUR lives away. To go further into it, our kitchen floor is covered in boxes. We no longer have paintings, photos, ornamentsflowers or nothing around the house. Its not really a home anymore. Thats all it is, a house. It seems to me like ive never really had a proper home, just as my family starts to get settled they get restless again and want to move. When my parents decided to move to Australia, we came here with nothing but a $1000. We had to start new schools, get jobs, make friends and learn a whole new way of lifestyle. And as far as im concerned we did a pretty fucking good job. I think sometimes people dont realize how hard it actually is to move country to country. We have been really lucky for the way things have turned out. My parents have really well paying jobs and we have a decent house. But I guess money and materials can never buy you the love family or friends can give you. When we moved here we only knew my mas aunty and uncle. And we werent really even close to them anyway coz theyd already lived in Australia for 30 years so me and my brother didnt even know them. Its so crap feeling homesick. Not like you can turn around and say im going to go visit my aunty next week, ill book us some cheap flights coz theres no such thing as fucking cheap overbroad flights. For our first visit back since living here we had to save for a year and a half.
Ahhhhh I dont even know what the fuck im going on about now but I need to get it off my chest so ill keep on ranting. It seems to me like you cant trust nobody anymore. If I cant even trust my own flesh and blood, theres no way I can trust anybody else. I have some really fucking amazing friends, but I feel like Im constantly running in circles with themall people ever seem to do these days is BITCH about each other. And im not saying that I dont do it, I do. And it doesnt make us bad friends. It just shows how much we cant be honest with one another about our true feelings.
Speaking of feelings, I feel as though I have lost all of my ability to cry anymore. A couple of my friends totally broke down today at tafe, and I felt like the biggest tosser because I just sat there and didnt have a single comforting word to say. And that makes me feel like such a horrible friend. But its almost as if I dont have feelings, or emotions anymore. I need to have a fucking good cry to somebody, but nothing comes out. Everybody always thinks im sad because 99 percent of the time I sit there with no emotions, no happiness. Just a look of sad. But im not sad. Im probably the happiest girl alive just sitting there contently to myself. But I struggle so much to express it. Its almost like its trapped or something.
Everybody keeps telling me you cannnnnt go back to Englandyou cannnnt.youll come live with me and even though im so happy that I get to be with my family again. Its hitting me harder than I expected now that weve started packing, its made me realize that its finally actually happening. And when my friends tell me they dont want me to go back. I kinda just want to cry and tell them that I dont want to go back either. I want to tell my parents that I dont want to go back. But I have to go back, if I didnt go back and held them from moving back. Theyd be so miserable. I fucking HATE being caught inbetween two countries with some of the most amazing people on each side. What if England goes bad? First time moving country lucky. Second time itll just fuck up I know it will. Something really bad will happen. I cant really remember much about the uk thats how much im confused. What if I go back and end up really hating it, then ill be trapped there?
Today I got drunk at Tafe. Kiwi, Yogi and me shared a bottle of Cougar. It was pretty yum, a few low points. But in the end, getting drunk is getting drunkI was drunk yesterday aswell, and stoned on Monday, and drunk as all hell last Saturday. When I got home, I fell asleep on the couch and with MTV on, and woke up to Greenday Good riddance (Time of your life) playing and I pretty much just broke down. Do you remember Emma/Bridget, when we quit our job and went through a pretty depressing stage. And we sat on the phone for fucking hours on end one night. And somebody put that song on? And we all started crying. Yeah. It was just really ironic because I was feeling so emotional, and emotionally bottled up.and then just fucking HAD to wake up to that song. It made me want to be young again and not have the feelings I have now. To only be worried about getting to school early enough so that I can quickly nick off with somebodys homework and copy it to save getting a detention. Not to be worried about getting to Tafe and getting stoned as quickly as I can. Thats not the way I wanted my senior year to be.
I cant believe that im leaving. I really fucking cant. Ill never see pretty much any of you ever again. And one day im terrified that I wont remember some of you, like my mum cant remember some people she went to school with. I dont show affection enough. I must admit ive gotten a lot better at wanting to hug people. Since going to tafe ive kinda learnt that its okay to hug people. I live in a house where we dont give each other hugs, we dont cry, we dont tell each other we love each other.its like we live in a house where your not allowed to show your weaknesses, you just gotta be strong or be nothing. So thats hugely the reason why I cant show any emotions or hug people a lot. Ive started worrying these last few weeks, im a fairly paranoid person. And lately ive been worrying and feeling like everybody hates me. If somebody wont talk to me, I think they hate me. I automatically think, FUCK they hate me. Ask a few people I worry about it so much. But now ive started worrying that I dont tell my friends enough how much I love them. And im scared that one day, itll be like karma in my face for not telling them, and then ill loose them. Thats how I feel when I think of my Friendship with Shamren and Emma. I wasnt very affectionate with them at all. And then we ended up having the biggest blow up I have ever had with friends and I lost them both in one huge go. I dont think for months, and months, and months. I ever once told them that I love them. And I dont know what I would have done without either of them. And now I regret that so much, because even though theyre hardly apart of my life anymore. I still care about them both a fuckload. 4 years of friendship. Feelings dont just turn off like that. So I still care about them a hole lot.
I have to start being stronger. I have to start saying no to weed and to alcohol. I have to stop feeling clastrophobic, and I have to stop feeling so emotional otherwise its going to explode and I know that something really fucking bad will come out of it. I cant remember my purpose of writing this. Maybe I just needed someone to talk to. Even if I am talking to a computer or something.
I have a boyfriend at the moment. I dont even know how its going because im too scared to open up to him. I like him a lot, but im too scared to say it out loud or admit it to anyone openly because im so terrified of being hurt. Or becoming attached. I just want to be a normal couple with him but I cant because im leaving in December. And if we become a normal couple. It means well have to breakup when I leave. And I dont want that emotional attachment. But I still want to be with him because I want to get to know him so much more, but I cant, or ill get hurt. I feel like im being so cold to him at the moment, trying to push im away and keep him out of what im feeling about him. Ahhhhhh why cant we all just be happy being alone and single and not having to worry about this.
Ive started noticing how much people take friendship for granted, and just these last few days when I listen to people talking I feel like some of my friends really take each other for granted. One of my closest friends is pretty hurt at the moment, because she feels, or rather KNOWS that one of her closest friends uses her for cigarettes. What the fuck has friendship come to, if people are using each other for cigarettes? AhhhI DONT WANT FUCKING FRIENDS ANYMORE. OR FAMILY. I JUST WANT TO BE BY MYSELF FOREVER. HUMANS ARE STRESSFULLLLLLL. My brother is in the uk now. I miss him. I dont know why. But I really really miss him. I dont like not having him around the house. I just want him to be here again. I want to go back to before I felt homesick. I want to go back to knowing that I have a future in Australia. And sometimes I just want to leave. And forget I have a life, and friends, and love.
Gotta start being happy. And remember how much worse people have it off out there. Selfishness always ends up in Karma. I think im just scared that when I leave people will forget about me.